Going Back

I'm a little nervous, a little excited, a little worried. I'm going back tomorrow. I haven't been to church in almost a year now and I'm going back tomorrow. I wouldn't necessarily say my faith is any better than it was when I left. It got a little worse for a while, then it got a little better for a while and now it's pretty much back to where it was before. And maybe this is a totally wrong reason to go back, but here it is: I want to have more people around me. Good people. Stable people. I want the support. The spiritual support and the emotional support. I want the security of knowing I'm part of a community of people who truly care about me. Selfless people who love everyone just for being.

Again, these are probably the wrong reasons to go back. But after nearly a year of my faith dwindling and hanging by a thread at times, I have come to realize that eliminating church from my life doesn't necessarily make me feel better. I mean, in a way I felt better. I felt better because I wasn't being a fake self anymore. I wasn't pretending to believe in something that I couldn't seem to grasp onto. Before I left, my bishop had the talk with me about going to the temple. That was probably one of the main reasons I had to leave. Faced with the idea of going through the temple with my lack of faith, I couldn't help but run away.

I didn't feel comfortable talking with my bishop about my lack of faith. It's based on an obstacle I face every day relating to my past. An obstacle that is so powerful that I can't even speak it out loud to the people I trust the very most in my life. It's certainly not something that I feel a bishop is qualified to deal with. Not to mention he's a he and I'm not comfortable enough with he's to open up about that with them.

But tomorrow I'm going back. I reached out to someone who came to my apartment a few months ago to invite me back to church. I don't have a car and the bus line I could have used doesn't exist anymore, so I needed a ride. And what a good excuse to have someone to introduce you to everyone and be your buddy, right?