It's Like...

It's like I'm paralyzed. Paralyzed by anxiety, by fear.

During the day I'm pretty much fine. I have a bout of anxiety here and there, but mostly I'm okay. I can function and I can do the things I need to do.

Then, slowly it starts to get dark. 6:00pm, I'm starting to get a little nervous. 8:00pm, I'm panicking on and off. I carry my pepper spray, key chain alarm and cell phone with me, even when I'm only walking 10 feet across the room. 12:00am, I'm finally too exhausted to stay awake any longer. I check the door. It's locked. I check the windows and the alarms I recently placed in the windows. Everything's locked and armed. I'm still carrying my phone, my alarm and my pepper spray. I fearfully look out my bedroom window one last time before I lay down in my bed. Nobody's there. I lay down with my pepper spray and alarm in one hand and my cell phone in the other hand. I finally fall asleep, but as soon as 2:00am comes, I jolt awake in a panic, terrified.

Logically I can see that what happened wasn't that bad and it's likely not going to happen again. And if it does, I'm probably not in any danger. But for some reason I have this overwhelming panicking feeling every time the sun goes down. I try to keep myself distracted with my art, tv, the computer. The entire time I'm terrified inside. I don't know why it's gotten so bad.

I talked to someone about it last night--a professional of sorts. We talked about how I'm so hyper-vigilant at night that I can't sleep or properly function and how that affects my mood and my health. We talked about different methods of reducing my anxiety, including medication. The problem I have is that if I'm not afraid, if I'm not anxious and hyper-vigilant, I feel vulnerable. Just the thought of being less anxious makes me more anxious. It's quite a complicated feeling, now that I think about it.

So basically, there's nothing I can do to help myself be less anxious, short of medications that will force me to relax a little. I try deep breathing and meditation. I try analyzing the fears and thinking about them more rationally. But as I've said, all this just makes me more anxious. So I sit here and contemplate whether I should see my doctor and get some medication. Should I force myself to relax? Or should I let myself be anxious and hyper-vigilant for as long as it lasts? I don't know...