The biggest thing I'm grateful for is the services that have been provided to assist me with my survival in this world. Namely, housing, health insurance, food stamps, medical and psychiatric care, and income (however meager it is).
The biggest of these is the housing. Without Section 8 housing assistance, I would not be able to live alone. I've had roommates in the past and that has helped me simply have a place to live that I can afford, but Section 8 housing assistance is so much better than that. My rent is based on my income, so I can actually afford to use some of my money on other things beside rent. Even with a roommate, rent is a little too high for me. And finding a roommate who doesn't mind living with three cats and doesn't mind living with someone who is sometimes mentally unstable is difficult. What a blessing it is to have this service in place. Add to that the assistance with food , health/psychiatric care and income and I'm able to financially survive.
I don't have many friends anymore. But I'm grateful for the ones I have. I think I have more friends that I can't see in person than ones I can actually spend time with. But I have a couple of friends I can hang out with. I like spending time with them. I'm lucky to have friends who are so supportive of me, despite how difficult I can be (and I know I can be difficult sometimes). There are other supportive people in my life, too--my case manager, my counselor, my supervisor at Art Awakenings. I appreciate them so much.
Family. Maybe my family isn't perfect, but they're mine. I met a woman online who is having problems with her daughter. Her daughter is in the same place I was at that age. This woman gave her daughter to Child Protective Services, just like my mom did. But unlike my mom, this woman constantly talks about how bad her daughter is. How her daughter is mistreating her. How much she hates to see her daughter. That makes me sad. One day she talked about how her daughter wanted her to bring the family dog to visit. The woman said there was absolutely no way she would do that for her daughter and it reminded me of the two times my mom brought my cat to see me while I was in group homes. So the one difference between her daughter and me is that her daughter has done drugs. But still, how sad it is that a mother could hate her own daughter so much. And how lucky I am that I have any kind of relationship with my parents. How lucky I am that they still treat me so well, despite the conflicts we've had.
I'm grateful for my physical health. I think sometimes about how difficult it would be for me to be blind. That's probably the worst physical ailment I can think of, for myself. I depend so much on my eyesight. But there's other things I depend on, too. It would be difficult for me to have to spend all of my time in a wheelchair and not be able to walk. I love walking. And I'm lucky that I don't have any serious illnesses. I have diabetes, but I have it so completely under control that the only problem I have is low sugar. And while low sugar can be quite scary, high sugar seems to be the one that leads to more long-term serious health problems.
I'm grateful for my artwork. At times, it's my only source of sanity. It's the thing I can turn to when I'm lonely, depressed, bored. People love my finished art pieces and I love making them. I sell a lot of artwork, maybe because I don't care if I sell it or not. I make art because it makes me happy. People want my art. If I kept all the art I've ever made, I would soon find my home full of art with no room to live in. So when people want my art, I often let them have it. And usually they offer to buy it, even though I don't ask them to.
I'm very grateful for my cats. They offer me the love and dependence to keep me going sometimes. When I'm at my lowest points, I try to think about what could happen to my cats if I was no longer around to care for them and it makes me sad. And it makes me think twice. Sometimes they're enough to keep me going one more day.
Then there's the little luxuries I'm grateful for. I'm grateful that my home is sufficient. Maybe it's not a luxury apartment and it's missing a few things that would be nice to have (a dishwasher; a washer and dryer). But it's a nice enough place. At one point I lived in an apartment where the bathroom was so small that the toilet was in the shower and there was no bathroom sink, just a kitchen sink. Me, I have a nice sized bathroom with a toilet that is separate from a regular shower/tub combo. I have nice things that both I and my parents have been able to provide myself. A computer, a color printer, a newer television, a full-size bed, ample storage in cabinet and shelf form, a reclining love seat. I have so many art supplies that I could nearly have my own Art Awakenings studio.
All these things I have to be grateful for. I don't forget about them when I'm in my darkest times. It's just that sometimes the mental illness overcomes me and all the gratitude I have can't keep the darkness away. But when the clouds lift and things are okay again, I'm lucky that I still have all of these things in my life.
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