Sleepless nights + major anxiety + overwhelming responsibilities = a bad bout of depression mixed with auditory hallucinations.
I had to work, but I could barely keep myself together. I was teaching a class in batik, but I kept leaving the room to go cry. I'd left my case manager numerous messages and she hadn't called me back, but still I called again. I couldn't reach her. I left her another message. I tried calling later in the afternoon and finally got to talk to her. I told her what was going on and she said she'd talk to the doctor and call me back. When she called back, she said the doctor wanted me to come in immediately. I was on my way home, so I turned around and headed for the clinic instead.
He asked if I thought I might hurt myself. I told him that if I had a reason to hope that I'd start feeling better, then no, I wouldn't hurt myself. But if things are going to stay the same then maybe yes. He changed my medication a little. Increased my anti-psychotic (to deal with the voices I've been hearing) and gave me a small dose of something for anxiety.
I talked to my counselor today about this and how it made me feel better just to get the med change. We talked about how to deal with my anxiety and what would make it go away. I thought about the last time my anxiety dominated my life. I took some medicine and gradually the anxiety went away. I was able to go off the medication and the anxiety stayed away, until recently. I figure that's just what's going to happen this time. I'll live with it, I'll medicate it and eventually it'll go away...or at least become more manageable.
I'm just glad I got the med change so I can have some hope to feel better. There's only so long you can function with two or less hours of sleep per night.
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