I Called for Help

It's a hard thing to do, calling for help. What's even harder is being persistent when people aren't listening.

Tuesday night was probably when I hit the bottom of the bottom. I was reduced to tears. My doctor was supposed to call me and he didn't. My case manager was out of the office, so I was left dealing with people who, while their intentions were good, weren't so committed to helping me. I had no hope for feeling better and that made me feel worse.

I called the crisis line again. Again I didn't know what I wanted from them. I didn't need to talk necessarily and I didn't want to go to the hospital just to get the med change I needed. And it didn't matter because I got disconnected anyway. While I was on hold, my friend had beeped in, but I didn't answer obviously because I was on hold. So when I got disconnected I decided to call her back instead.

She asked how I was doing and I automatically said, "Okay." I quickly had to change my answer. I told her I wasn't doing okay and at that point I started crying again. I told her what was going on with me and asked her if she thought I should go to the hospital or if I should just stick it out at home. I wanted an "outsider's" opinion. Someone who wasn't biased in either direction. She suggested that my first thing to do would be to get a blessing. So she brought her father and her uncle over to give me a blessing. Then she asked if I wanted her to stay the night. I wasn't expecting that at all, but I decided that I did.

She brought her stuff over and slept on my couch. We didn't really talk when she came back because by that time I was really tired, so I just went to sleep. She stayed up for a while and talked to her fiance. I was so touched that she would come over and stay with me. What an amazing friend.

The next day was Wednesday--that meant counseling. Usually I'm excited for counseling but this week I couldn't focus on anything except how horrible I was feeling and how talking wasn't really helping. I anxiously waited most of the day to talk to my doctor--until I found out he doesn't work on Wednesdays. So I had to wait until Thursday. I waited all day Thursday. At 2:45pm I finally called my case manager. She pestered the doctor and FINALLY I got a call from him. After some pestering on my part I got him to agree to change my medication from Remeron to Prozac. Finally. Some help.

Today is my second day taking the Prozac. I'm still in a bad way, but at least I have some hope to feel better.