Again?

This is getting awful tiring. Depression. Mania. It never ends. Just when I think things are getting better, they get too much better. And when I get myself calmed down I go too far down. Why isn't there a happy medium that lasts more than a few months? Until a few days ago I thought there were still so many medications I haven't tried. Then I looked at my insurance's formulary. I've tried all the mood stabilizers. There's nothing left. I've tried SSRI and SNRI antidepressants and they push me into mania. I've tried traditional mood stabilizers and they throw me into a depression so severe I feel I'll never make it out alive. It's just so tiring. And now...today...37 hours without sleep...I'm feeling like I may be "treatment resistant." But where does that leave me? ECTs? I will not do ECTs. They scare me and I simply cannot see myself living with the side effects. I'm not saying they're barbaric or anything. They just aren't for me. I'm getting desperate. I started looking at the clinical trials available through the National Institute of Health. I keep finding that one of the criteria that excludes me from the studies is my diabetes. I really had high hopes for this new medication. I just don't even know what to do with myself anymore.