It's always there, even when I'm feeling fine. That nagging sadness over losing the one person I'd entrusted my deepest secrets to. Things come along and distract me for the moment, but it always goes back to that gaping hole left behind. How is it that I can still cry over this? How is it that I can be perfectly fine and distraught at the same time? When will the sadness go away? Or will it ever go away? I have dreams about her. I see her picture every morning when I wake up. I can't bear to put it away. I feel so stupid for feeling so sad. I'm trying to move on. But not just to move on--to move up. To do something better with my life. And at the same time I'm giving up. I'm giving up on my diet, on my health. I'm giving up on school. I'm giving up on counseling and the hope of ever being completely "recovered." It just doesn't matter anymore. I have no one pushing me to do any of that and I'm just too tired to do it.
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