The Highs and Lows

It's amazing that in so little time I can go from high to low. From on top of the world to beneath the dirt. Somehow I distract myself long enough for the next thing. Writing group. Classes. Independent Living Skills. Therapy. Doctor appointments. It never ends. It's always waiting for one thing or the next to happen. When it's over, it's the waiting game all over again. Life is what happens while I'm waiting for life to happen. Life is the down times and the up times. The times when I'm bouncing off the walls and the times when I'm crying in my bed. If I could just figure out what to do with my life. What to do instead of waiting. Perhaps then the highs and lows won't be so high and so low. Instead I spend my life anticipating my next move. I count the hours in threes. In meals and snacks. I visit the same websites over and over. I pick up my crocheting and do one round. I pick up my book and read one chapter. I go to the mailbox and look for some sign of human interaction. My walks get shorter. My days get longer. My heart sinks. But what can I do to fill that time? What can I do to turn my life into a life? I could get a job. But my schedule is so scattered that I wouldn't have time for a job. Doctors appointments every week or so. School on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Therapy on Friday afternoons. Independent Living on Monday nights. Maybe if I worked only on Thursdays and Saturdays. And volunteering? I've tried that. Every place I've looked at is either inaccessible from the bus or requires me to have a driver's license. Well I can't get a license. Not until I have two years seizure-free. And so I wait. I wait for life to happen.