Not Missing It

Tina had asked me to come in today to celebrate my "graduation." It was a big party with a small mention that I was moving on. Still, it was a pretty fun day. My case manager stopped in and I was so happy to see her. There were old friends to talk to, to exchange numbers with. The group played a fun game of Pictionary. At the end of the day I said my goodbyes to clients and staff alike. I got a lot of encouraging words from staff, a bit of sadness from clients. And yet, I don't miss it. I'm not sad to not go back there. Yes, it will be different to have less to do with my time now. It will be different to have parted ways with so many people. But I was just so unhappy there.

What I am missing are the "good old days." The days when Eliza was there. And the days before that when Cynthia was there and I was seeing Cindy in Phoenix. But things change. Life changes. People move on. I move on. I'll never be able to go back to that place. That's what makes me sad. Leaving this place...not so sad.

Things may have worked out for the best. I'm definitely not happy to have lost the life I loved so much. But things happened the way they should have. If I'd been pushed out of the program when Eliza was still there I would have been absolutely devastated. If Eliza hadn't left, I wouldn't have started working with this new counselor. And for some reason I'm able to open up to this new counselor in a way that I was never able to with Cindy or Eliza, even though (or maybe because) I liked them so very much. If I hadn't opened up, would I have ever gotten better? I may have just pushed my problems away until things got completely out-of-hand.

I'm very, very grateful that I still have the same case manager. I can't know how long this will last. She's been my case manager for four and a half years now. I know (and I fear) that it could end at any time. But there's nothing I can do about that. That, that makes me sad. Leaving Art Awakenings, not so much.