I got in right as the Art Awakenings studio opened. The first thing I did was make sure the sign-in sheet was ready for everyone. I had to put artwork away from the kids group last night and people were so anxious to get it out of their way that they were practically throwing things at me. I went to the kitchen to get snacks and coffee cups. I started a pot of coffee, then I finally got my tag with my key. By this time people were already asking for supplies. I got some scissors for someone, a glue gun for someone else, oh I wanted the small scissors, can I get some paint brushes, do you have a needle and thread, has the modeling clay come in yet? At this point we'd only been open about half an hour. My shift is three hours. So I went and put my apron on and started filling paint bottles. Then the admin assistant asked me if I would put in an order for some more snacks and other supplies. I set out checking our stock of supplies and making a list of things we needed. It took an hour or so, but I got the order placed and ready to go. While I was in ordering mode, I went through all of our art supply inventory and our "wish list" and got an order sheet going for art supplies. This took me another 45 minutes. I don't have the password for that ordering site, so I had to pass along the written info to the clinical staff. In the meantime, I'm still running off every so often to get supplies for people. They ran out of coffee, they ran out of creamer, they need to put the glue gun back, they need a new bottle of water put out, someone took the trash out and there's no bag--gotta search for bags that somehow disappeared. (The admin assistant is livid about the huge box of trash bags that suddenly went missing.) The last 45 minutes of my shift were pretty slow. I got a lot done for one day. So I sit around, popping up every few minutes to get *something* for *someone*. It never ends. But my shift does end, so I passed the key on to the new studio assistant. She doesn't know much yet, so I'm still doing a lot of the work because I have to teach her where things are and how to do things and what the guidelines are. I'm not sure how she's been there at least 6 months and doesn't know the studio guidelines. But whatever.
So now that my shift was over, I took a break in the office. I sat at the computer and did some emailing, typed up a couple things that needed to be done, did a little bit of journaling. I wasn't having the greatest day anyway, and the demands from every which way were wearing me out. I only get a two-hour break on Thursdays between my shift with the adults and my shift with the kids. I'm supposed to be only working part-time: 20 hours per week or less. And I need my breaks. I'm still not well enough to handle working full-time. Yet, I was still working while I wasn't on shift. For instance, I had to chase after someone's transportation that was leaving without even announcing their arrival. Then I helped her get everything cleaned up and put away so they wouldn't leave without her. It never ends.
3:00 came and I was back up and going, getting things ready for the kids. Sign-in sheets, snacks, putting artwork away, cleaning up after the adults, turning the music off (need silence!). The kids started arriving at 3:30 (they're not supposed to be there until 4:00). And the last one didn't leave until 6:30 (the program ends at 6:00). It was the teen group tonight and they were full of a strange energy. One came in cranky and was defiant and didn't listen. He told one of the others that he hated her and she ran off crying. Two others were listening to music on the computer (really loud) and dancing. Another won't do anything but sit and stare at you unless you're right beside her. Between the two of us staff, we made it through the group, exhausted by the end of the night.
And that was my day.
Sometime during the day I started talking with one of the other adult clients. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was having a rough day but I was trying my best to keep going. I was off shift at this point and had just finished doing some journaling. "You know," she says, "when you're feeling bad, sometimes the best thing to do is help out a little around here." What? What have I been doing ALL MORNING LONG? It makes no sense and yet it has me doubting myself. Am I not doing enough? Should I be exerting myself more, putting more energy into my work, finding more to do? I don't know what else to do some days. I do everything I can. And still I wonder, is there more I could do? Am I missing something?
Later in the afternoon, during the time between the adults and kids programs, I was chit-chatting with my counselor. She mentioned that I'd get to meet one of the kids she works with one-on-one, who will be joining one of the younger groups. "You'll get to meet my success story," she said to me. I smiled, but in my head all I could think was, I wanted to be your success story...
And so I'm down on myself tonight. I'm not a success story, which I suppose doesn't surprise me at this point. And it even more doesn't surprise me when I think of how unsuccessful I am at work. I try my hardest and it's just never enough.
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