Ups and Downs

It's been a hard week. I've been up and down--mostly down. The highlight of my week was that cultural competency training I went to. But by the next day the high had worn off and I was back to a severe depression. I'm not sure what exactly brought on this depression; the only "trigger" I noticed was the lack of interest in my birthday this year. It seems so stupid to me on the surface, to be upset about that. But when I look deeper I can see it's just another insinuation that I'm truly unimportant.

And so this depression has lingered. The hopelessness has lingered. The suicidal feelings have lingered.

Friday was a turning point. I went to someone else this time. Someone who knows me, knows my history, but hasn't worked extensively with me. I told her how I was feeling without actually telling her how I was feeling. I ended up in her office for over an hour pondering the choices she had given me, one of which was for her to call someone to take me to the hospital. I certainly didn't want that. During this "session" I went down the hall to see my counselor for a moment. I didn't get to tell her what exactly was going on down the hall, but I got to talk to her enough to make some plans for what we were going to do this coming week. She reminded me to email her if I needed to this weekend. I asked her to email me this weekend instead. She agreed. So I walked back down the hall and agreed to write out a "safety contract." (Those things are so stupid.) Basically it said I wouldn't kill myself this weekend. I wasn't so sure I could keep that promise, but I signed it anyway.

It was a self-esteem booster to see my counselor's email on Saturday morning. Every so often all weekend we've been emailing and in all this emailing I started to feel better. I feel better enough that I'll be going to Art Awakenings tomorrow morning having upheld my written promise, having not even hurt myself in any way. I'll be going in tomorrow in some of my new, pretty clothes. And I have good feelings about things to look forward to this week:

Monday I have a lunch date with one of the staff at Art Awakenings.
Tuesday is my counseling session. We're going to the park.
Wednesday I have an eye exam--finally.
Thursday I'm going to spend some more alone time with my counselor before the studio opens.
Friday my case manager is coming over for a home visit.

It should be a better week.