I Saw Her Again

I saw her again, after so many months, and it was strange. I knew I was going to see her; I'd been planning for it all day. In all my planning I kept thinking, "What do I care?" I pictured the night and I saw her saying a friendly hello, then leaving. Leaving to see more important people. I began to feel the scorn of a devastated heart. I just knew it would be how I imagined it.

Then I saw her, standing across the room. My excitement rose and all those feelings of "What do I care?" became an overwhelming need to see her, to talk to her. The scorn disappeared and all that was left was an incredible want. I want her back in my life, like she was before.

The meeting didn't go anything like I thought it would. I went up to her, but she was talking to someone else. So I casually walked away, thinking I'd go back to greet her when she wasn't so busy. I tried to get back into the "What do I care?" mood. Or at least fake it. But as I walked away she turned around and said, "Don't walk away from me, Bethy." It was like music to my ears, hearing her call my name again. She came up to me and gave me a big hug. She stood and talked to me and we walked together for a while. I wanted so badly to cling to her and never let her go again. But I resisted. I walked away when I felt it was appropriate to give her space. But I kept going back to her.

I talked to her with excitement, trying to tell her the wonderful things that are happening in my life. Part of me thought that if she could see there actually might be hope for me, maybe she'd come back. I know she won't. I know that no matter what I do, she's gone. Not completely gone, but gone enough. For some reason, my emotional side still had that hope.

At the end of the night I left with a hug. And it became all too clear that I'll never be "over" that loss. I still miss her.