Yet Another First Friday

I went to the First Friday art walk last night. I saw my Cindy (my first counselor at Art Awakenings), but it was a strange feeling. It wasn't the Cindy I remember. It wasn't the feelings I remember. Well, sort of it was, but mostly not. I still felt a little clingy, but I didn't feel like I needed her as much as I used to. I still wanted to see her, but something was off about the situation.

As I thought about it a little, I realized that with each of my three counselors, I got something different. Cindy was who I needed when I was seeing her. It was terrible to say goodbye to her. I thought nobody could help me anymore, that I was lost and alone.

Then Eliza came along and she gave me everything I wanted and more. She was everything to me, always there and my steady rock. She knew me so much better than Cindy did and treated me better, too. Then she was gone. I was devastated. I knew there was nobody else who would ever be able to fill that hole anymore. And, really, there's not at this point.

But now I have my new counselor (who isn't so new anymore). I don't have the same intense attachment to her that I had to Cindy and Eliza. Because of that, I don't have the overwhelming need to please her and to be "perfect." The absence of those things opened the door for me to be able to more freely express what's really going on with me. To be more open.

I see Cindy in a new light. She's not on that pedestal anymore. She's not the perfect counselor who could give me everything I needed. No, that was Eliza. Or so I thought. But even my relationship with Eliza had some downfalls, despite how great she worked with me. I don't idealize my new counselor as much as I did those two. I still like her very much and think I work very well with her, but she's not my whole world. And I think that's a good thing.