She's Back...Sort of

All those months ago (December 2007) she left. I freaked out. I was lost, distraught. It wasn't just that she left, it was how she left. She left without a word. Nobody knew where she was or why she left, she just left. After a while we got word that she was working with the company again, in a different location and with a different program. I still missed her. I still wanted her to come back. But she didn't. And I knew she wouldn't. Eventually I stopped being sad and started being a little angry. Angry isn't something I let myself feel very often and I still don't feel exceptionally angry about the situation, but I'm angry nonetheless.

Apparently she eventually left the company completely.

Yesterday we got word that she's back. That is, she's back with the company. She's not coming back to Art Awakenings. She'll be working with another program. She'll be working with the other program that meets in our building. There are such a mixture of emotions that come with that news. The two biggest emotions I'm feeling are guilt and anxiety.

I don't want to see her. That makes me feel guilty. That makes me feel anxious. They've said she won't be coming in to see us. That's good. But I feel guilty that that's good. The anxiety really kicks up when I think about seeing her in the halls. I'm sure she'll expect me to greet her with open arms and I should. I should because she was always so good to me. I know she didn't mean to hurt us. And so I should greet her with open arms and pretend nothing ever happened. Let the past be the past and open myself up for the possibility of more disappointment. And I feel guilty because I might not do that.

One of the other clients told me what he heard about her and why she left. It had to do with some disagreements and anger from other people. That makes me feel more guilty for being mad at her. But does that make it okay that she simply disappeared?

This shouldn't be upsetting me so much, but it seems that it is. Last night I tossed and turned, waking up every couple of hours to bad dreams about her. I had at least four bad dreams with
her as the central theme. It's been a year. Perhaps I should be over it.