A New Front

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It was a little weird. A little uncomfortable. A little awkward. It was me, opening up to a new stranger. It wasn't an instant connection like it was with her. With her it was like I'd known her my whole life. I didn't need to explain anything. She just seemed to know. But with Dr. Ruiz it's not the same. It's awkward and uncomfortable...weird. I don't know if it will get better. But I have to finish this. She wants me to. But as much as I want to do DBT, as much as I want to learn some of these things--having good boundaries, being assertive, being comfortable in my own skin--I want her more. I have that attachment. That bond. It almost hurts me. I hate to say good bye, even just for a week. I hate my need for her. But for now, I have to put that out of my mind...

Dr. Ruiz and I talked about what I need from DBT. We talked about some of the behaviors I want to decrease: feelings of emptiness, self harm, extreme sensitivity, depression, difficulty saying no. She gave me homework. It's to be expected with DBT. I have a paper to record all of my urges: self harm, suicide, impulsive behavior; my emotions: pain, sadness, shame, anger, fear, joy; my drugs (medication compliance is the only one that applies to me); and my actions: self harm, suicide. Then I'm supposed to write down what I did to get through any of the tough times. And there are always tough times.

Lately my tough times have made me not want to get out of bed. And when I finally do get out of bed, I just want to crawl back in between the sheets and sleep away the days. It's gotten to the point that I want to take over-the-counter sleep aids to keep me asleep. And yet, in the middle of the night I wake up. It's always for a different reason. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I have to use the bathroom. I'm in pain. It's a depression, but it's such a mild and vague, nagging depression. Perhaps DBT will help me get out of it.

And on the third front, I continue to see a counselor at LDS Family Services. She asked me to think about what I want to work on. And when I went in yesterday, I knew. I wanted to work on my near-crippling anxiety. Just opening the door is hard for me, though the anxiety comes and goes. We talked about the causes of anxiety, the body's physical reaction to anxiety. She told me about the most common anxiety-creating thought: the "what if" thought. What if this bus tips over? What if I get in a car accident? What if someone is outside waiting for me? So my first step is to recognize my "what if" thoughts and redirect my thoughts by telling myself: It's only anxiety. It's no big deal. I can handle this. We'll see how this works.

And that's my updates on all three fronts.