Something's Different

Something is different with me. Did it happen gradually, or was it sudden? Was I working up to this or did I just wake up one morning like this? The obvious answer is that it happened gradually, that I worked up to this. But to me it feels more sudden, like I woke up one morning and I was different. I'm not completely different. I still have my moments. A lot of moments. But overall I feel different. I have hope now; something I've never had before. Sure I used to think about eventually becoming a foster mom. But somewhere inside I knew it would never happen. I knew in five years I'd be in the same place--miserable, lonely and without purpose.

So how did I get here?

This is something to think about. What is it that has given me hope? I know the who's that made it possible: my last two counselors. It started with counselor 1. I simply adored her and I think she knew it. Because I adored her so much, I let her manipulate me into doing good things for myself. I let her convince me to try to be a mentor. To keep going to school. To try to work in the Art Awakenings youth program. The interesting thing is that I wasn't able to become a mentor. I quit school when she left. I still haven't gotten to work with the youth. It seems that everything she manipulated me into doing didn't happen. So, then, how did I get here? Enter counselor 2. I adore her at least as much as counselor 1. But with counselor 2, there is no manipulation. Everything I do, I do because I want to help her. Why? Because I don't want her to leave. And in the process of trying to help her, I've found myself with hope. Hope to become more than my circumstances. Hope to be more than a diagnosis.

Now that I have hope, my life is changing. People are commenting on my appearance. They say my face is bright, I look more put-together. I feel more put-together. My self-esteem is rising. I now take the time to try to look nice. I do my hair (which I didn't know is naturally curly). I dress more professionally (no more shorts). I smile more. I try to be nicer to everyone I work with, especially the people who irritate me. I overcome my desire to stay home and "no-show" because of my depression (again with those moments). It's still slow going. I have much more to overcome before I can consider myself even half of a whole. But I'm getting there. I'm going to be 26 years old soon and I'm finally growing up.