Ugly

Weekends always bring time alone, time in my head. Often I find myself stewing over different issues, sometimes to the point of obsession. Tonight my mind drifted into the topic of beauty. I've always said that I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty. But tonight I realized that I actually do think I'm ugly. Aside from my blue eyes, I don't like anything about my appearance. I hate everything from my fat belly to the extra skin on my arms to my wavy, frizzy hair. I don't see myself as attractive in any way. I know it's a common problem for a woman to feel ugly or not pretty enough. But I can look at myself in the mirror and see with clear eyes the ugliness of my body. While I think I look better with my clothing hiding my ugly, there's really only so much clothing can do. And the bitter truth is, I'll never be thin. I could get to my goal weight and all I'll have to show for it is sagging skin. How did I let this happen to myself? I almost feel cheated because I've been overweight since such a young age, probably about 11 years old. I've met plenty of people who are much older than I am and fatter than I am and they were skinny at my age. I never got that chance. I don't know what it's like to be thin. And unless some miracle happens and I'm able to get surgery to remove the extra skin, I never will.