I Don't Know How...I Don't Know Why

It's October again tomorrow. Last October I went downhill...too far downhill. I ended up in the hospital. Not long after I got out, I swore I would never go to the hospital again. I don't know how and I don't know why, but here I am, facing October again, feeling the same desperation I've felt so many times before. What does October mean to me? Why have I spent so many Octobers in the hospital? I can't figure it out. I know a lot of people get depressed when fall starts, but that's not the case with me. Fall is a welcome respite from the tortures of a sweltering summer. So I just don't know. And lately I've hit that I-don't-care mood. Nothing really matters, anyway. And as soon as I start to think something matters, I realize it doesn't. I wonder if I can make it through this October without being hospitalized...