When Did This Happen?

I've been talking about changes a lot. I've been thinking about changes a lot. I've been going through changes a lot. But last night I realized that each little change that has happened in the last few months has contributed to what I now see as a "major life change." It's not a wedding, a birth, a divorce, a death. And yet all these little things, these minor and not-so-minor changes, have turned my life completely around and upside-down. When did this happen? Everything is different now...

The house my parents lived in for 15 years isn't theirs anymore. I'll probably never see that house again, never go down that street again. My brother moved to one end of town and my parents moved to the opposite end and I'm stuck in the middle, alone. My foster care caseworker isn't a caseworker anymore. My "rock" is still there, but she's in a different position now, a different place in her life. My job has changed dramatically and becomes more stressful every day. My goals have changed, my hopes are different. Art Awakenings is different. The place that was once my sanctuary is now a place that I sometimes dread waking up for. The "old people" are gone and the "new people" are so different. Not bad-different, but not necessarily good-different, either.

Not all of the changes are bad, frustrating or discouraging--I can see that. I have a wonderful counselor right now, who I'm connecting with in a different way than I did with my last two counselors, but still connecting with. I do really like her and I'm learning to trust her more every day. I'm taking more risks, branching out into a world beyond my own. I'm going to the community center to take a sculpting class. I'm transitioning into new programs and learning what's out there.

Things are okay, really. I'm not homeless or without money or food. I'm not hospitalized. I haven't taken a complete turn for the worse (though I'm not sure why I haven't). Still, I mourn the loss of my optimism, ambition and hope. I feel like my life has, in a way, gone back to how it used to be: just floating through existence with no purpose, meaning or direction.

I'm accepting the change, though I sometimes take it kicking and screaming along the way. I didn't realize how much it's bothering me until last night. I mean, I knew the little things that were bothering me. But now that I look at the whole picture, the before and the now, I'm scared, sad and even a little angry. It's like all of the little changes have turned into one life-altering event.

It's strange, really. I wasn't expecting it. I'm sure that's just the way life is. When I think about this dramatic twist, I think about the even more dramatic part of my life: when I left home. Everything changed, my entire life's path was altered. The difference between that major life change and this one is that that change was my own doing. But, again, I look back at that and see that I survived and when I really try to focus on the positive, I look at all of the wonderful people I've met along the way. (When I focus on the negative I remember that most of them are gone now.)

Things change, life changes. I'm sure everyone goes through major life changes like this...the ones that don't seem major until you look back. I feel more stunned than anything else, to see the striking difference between "then" and "now." At this moment I only feel apathy. I'm just along for the ride; I don't care where I'm going or how I'm getting there.